Turkey Leg Down the Pants

Now that Halloween Horror Nights is here, the mister and I have been spending a good deal of our free time at Universal Studios FL. HHN is one of our favorite yearly events. Being born so close to Halloween has imbued me with a love of the holiday and just about everything connected with it. I grew up in a more innocent time, when trick or treating was an all-evening affair and we weren't scared to take homemade popcorn balls or taffy apples for fear they were concealing a razor blade inside. We knew the houses that passed out freshly made treats and always made a bee-line for them. There were also some homes that were done up as haunted houses, with creepy music blasting and strobe lights blinding us as we crept up to the door, ready to scream in terror when a costumed monster answered. We'd stay out until 10 p.m., then head home on exhausted little feet, dragging shopping bags of candy behind us.

When I got older, I started going to haunted houses. There were always lots at the local churches and park districts, since they made a handy fund rasier. There were some professional ones too, and I quickly developed a taste for those when I was old enough to drive.

My husband was a haunted house virgin when I married him, but I soon fixed that and he came to love them as much as I do. In Chicago, we would spend every weekend evening leading up to Halloween running from one locale to another. It was slow going, since the lines were sometimes an hour or more long, so we'd only manage to fit in two or three per night.

Now that we're in Florida, the haunted houses are all consolidated into that handy package known as HHN. Universal features eight professional-grade houses, plus "scare zones" where you walk through and are chased by zombies or chainsaw wielding maniacs or have flying monkeys zoom overhead between the buildings. There are no more multi-hour waits because we arrived early and get lots of houses done before the crowds arrive; then we use the Express Pass, a sort of front of the line pass that you can purchased (it's not literal FOTL...you still have to wait in a line, but a much shorter one that rarely exceeds 15 minutes).

We have Frequent Fear passes, which get us in on every non-peak night. We go as often as we can because we have to gorge ourselves on enough fright factor to last us for another year. This year's icon is Bloody Mary, the terrifying spectre of teen mirror games. I remember middle grade sleepovers where we'd all cram into the bathroom and earnestly recite her name three times, waiting for her to burst through the mirror and scratch our eyes out. Alas, Bloody Mary never appeared then, but now she's all over at Universal...on billboards, TV ads, and in her own haunted house.

While the houses are the main attraction, there is an interesting sideshow. HHN is infamous for the alcohol consumption that goes on. People guzzle as much liquor as they can manage while while waiting in line or suck on "blood bag" jello shots. I can understand, as I'll admit that the signature drink, served in a light-up mug, is quite delicious. But I value my life and know that I have to brave I-4 to get home, so I limit myself to one drink early on. Apparently most of my fellow patrons know no such restraint.

I've never seen anyone get too overly obnoxious or violent (well, maybe just a bit...I've seen plenty hauled off by security for doing goodness knows what to the scareactors in the houses). But I've seen some entertaining antics, and early on in the season I saw one that I doubt I'll ever be able to top: Turkey Leg in the Crotch Lady.

I should probably start from the beginning. Hubby and I were waiting in line for a house. It was a relatively short line, and there was a couple in front of us who were quite jovial but also quite drunk. We were chatting with them a bit when the guy decided to run out of the line to buy a turkey leg. We warned him that the line was so short that they probably wouldn't have time to finish it before we got to the entrance. He pooh poohed our theory and ran off to buy it, returning a few minutes later.

They put forth a valiant effort to consume the massive limb of fowl before we got to the door. But if you've ever seen an amusement park turkey leg, you know they come from massive mutant birds roughly the size of baby elephants. They look like something Fred Flintstone would nosh on while verbally abusing Wilma. Now we were almost at the entrance, and there was no way that they were going to be even close to done.

Not being ones to waste food, even in their inebriated state, they struggled for a solution. Finally the woman took the big, hot, greasy chunk of meat and shoved it down the front of her pants!! I nearly fainted in shock. Immediately she started yelping, "Owwww! Hot!" while dancing in pain until finally she realized that she should probably remove the offending leg from its hiding place. She gave it to her boyfriend, who managed to stash it in his cargo shorts.

Going through the house with them was quite entertaining. The woman kept running backwards and screaming in terror while trampling me, but the risk of bodily injury was worth the show she was putting on. Hubby had his own entertainment, provided by the people behind him who were intent on running him over in their fright. We managed to make it out unscathed, although I think Turkey Leg Lady probably had some grease burns in interesting places. I wonder if she would be looking at them in puzzlement the following morning.

Halloween Horror Nights still has a couple of weeks to go, so hopefully we'll make it four or five more times. But no matter what wild antics we see, I don't think we'll ever be able to top the turkey leg in the crotch.