Thursday, January 05, 2012

V 3: Attack of the Sentient, Oversexed Floridian Lizards

If you're a science fiction buff, you might remember the corny 1980s science fiction series V, featuring humanoid aliens who were really lizards in disguise. They pretended to be benevolent, but they actually had an insatiable taste for human flesh, much as a boa likes to eat a mouse. The original V had two parts and then became a TV series. If you're not as oldy-moldy as me, then you know it as a 2009 reboot.

I used to doubt that there were sentient alien lizards among us until I moved to Florida. If you live here, or if you vacation at Walt Disney World, you know that the sunshine state is overrun with small, skittish lizards that love to hang out on sidewalks, walls, and wherever else they feel like it. They look innocent and not-too-bright. In fact, they have so little brain power that when you're biking, you might accidentally run one or two over because they're not good at getting out of the way.

Well, at least I thought they didn't have brain power, but now I'm starting to wonder. We have a ton of them in our yard, and a month or two ago I noticed that one of them was hanging out on the window of my family room, right where the cats sleep on their perch. At first I thought it was coincidence, but soon I realized that the lizard was purposely tormenting my cats! It would sit just above them, a smirk on its little lizard face as they went crazy trying to get at it. They'd smack against the glass, and that lizard wouldn't move. It knew full well that they couldn't get to it.

Okay, you're saying, that's pure coincidence. The lizard just happens to like hanging out in that spot. That's what I thought at first, although it seemed odd that its head was always pointed down as though it wanted to watch the poor cats' acrobatics. Then I noticed that if they ignored it, it would move around to attract their attention. Once it got them agitated, it would be still and watch the show. It hasn't been around in a while now, no doubt because of the cold temperatures. Alternately, perhaps it was called back to its home planet.

The alien lizards here in Florida apparently come from an oversexed society, and they've created an interesting mating structure here. My hot tub in the backyard apparently overlooks an official lizard hook-up site, which happens to be the corner of my house, which is next to the hedge. My husband and I will be soaking and relaxing, and suddenly a lizard will appear. The little horny creature will stare down at the hedge while doing an odd, bobbing dance. Then it puffs its throat out into an enormous bubble. Apparently, in lizard parlance, a giant throat puff is equivalent to what people say about guys with big noses, or big feet, or whatever bodily feature is rumored to be linked to a big...well, you know what.

The lizard mating ritual typically goes on for a few minutes before the creature gets lucky and launches itself down into the hedge. I don't know what happens then, but I assume the hedge is the reptile equivalent of a singles bar, or perhaps more like a brothel, and some female lizard has just agreed to a romp in the leaves.

Not all the lizards who use the corner-of-the-house pickup spot get lucky. Some dejectedly head back up the building after their elaborate ritual, but most seem to score. I'm waiting for the lizard vice squad to show up someday and slap a pair of tiny handcuffs onto one of the lizard Johns.

Maybe I'm reading way too much into the lizard antics here. After all, given their size, their brain can't be much larger that a fingernail. Still, I've witnessed some interesting things while out in the yard or looking out the window. If the lizards suddenly speak someday and claim to have a cure for cancer, which they'll give me in exchange for unfettered access to my hedge, I'm not taking them up on any offers of a free spaceship tour.

I'm busily adapting some of my most popular old blog entries into a Kindle book, but in the meantime I've got a few other titles out, including credit repair, becoming a travel agent, and tips and tricks for visiting Disney/Orlando. I've also started two new blogs to go with two of the books: Free Credit Repair at and Starting a Home-Based Travel Agency at

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